Don't Look Back
(A Sadie Saga)
Sadie's Diary: August 27th, 2013

August 27th, 2013
Dear Diary,
                I had the dream again. I wish I knew when this was going to end. It's just horrible knowing that he's somewhere in the city and yet I don't know where. Maybe I should never have spoken to Shock on the phone the other's just scared me even more. But I had to. And I know he meant well in telling me. He and Amber, well, I can trust them, even if they are from the old crowd. They want to keep me safe and so do I.
If only they knew what exactly it is that I've been dreaming about every night for the last few days. Ever since Shock told me Neal was in Birmingham. I can't help it, it just brings back all the fear and the chills again. I can't help remembering what happened to her, and wondering if he's going to make it happen to me too. I can't even tell Alyssa. She'd tell me to go to the police and I can't, I'm too scared of him for that. Besides, with my past record, you can't possibly expect them to believe me. I know I wouldn't take my word seriously if I was a cop. All they gotta do is put the name Sadie Monahue in their computer and bam, there it'll all be. Theft. Possession. More theft. Drug addiction. Blah.
Of course I'm over that now, but I swear that those things never go away. I'm tainted with that stuff forever. And it's my fault for getting involved with Neal to begin with. It shoulda been obvious a mile off that he was a possessive, psychotic, domineering jerk.
Guess it just proves how great my taste in guys is huh?
You don't realise how afraid and vulnerable you can feel in a flat on your own till you realise that alone really means that - noone to hear you scream. Even Cece downstairs is usually out in the evenings. Sometimes I go too but I'm so paranoid, I feel like I'm being watched. Ce doesn't even know about Neal...I can hardly tell her that I'm afraid some psycho ex boyfriend might be trying to kill me because I saw something I should never have seen and I keep damn well dreaming about it!
They say talking about bad dreams exorcises them. I wonder if writing them down has the same effect? I mean, it was my therapist who first suggested I should keep a diary. She said it might help me when I was going through tough things to keep a note of how I'm feeling and talk it through with myself like that. I thought it was kinda daft but I've kept it up since I left Kent now and look at me, I'm a new girl so I suppose it's helped some. No reason why it shouldn't help me now. And even though I've kept up counselling since I quit drug rehab, I can't even face bringing it up with her. Irene is nice, but noone knows about this.  I almost did tell her one time but I knew she'd tell me to go to the police or she'd feel obliged to tell them or something, so I decided not to. I suppose this is the only place I can talk about stuff like that. In some ways I feel bad about it because she was a friend, but I can't help her by blowing the secret now. She's long past anyone else's help. And she'd not want me to risk my neck when hers can't be saved.
The dream always starts the same way. A whirl of colours - I think I must've been pretty stoned that night, or at least, starting to come out of it some. I remember feeling very disorientated and confused and I didn't realise at first what the noises I heard were and where they were coming from. They were high pitched and loud and harsh and they just wouldn't go away. Then I'm going up the stairs to stop the noise. The ceiling is spinning some and my head is least, I think it's my head. The noises are coming from a bedroom and I go to the door and push it open. And there's Neal and he and she are having a row. Not a little timid disagreement like most people had with Neal but a full on damn row! She was screeching at him, telling him she was going to leave him. And he was so angry...angrier than I ever saw him. Then he grabbed her, he shoved her and she fell against the wall.
The crack always resounds through my brain like it's real all over again. I knew she was dead and that there was nothing I could do...and I turned to run but he was behind me right away. Then I wake up, cold and shivering and terrified that he's really there, waiting outside my door, waiting to finally silence me for the things I'd seen.
He told me if I ever told anyone what I'd seen then I'd be sorry for it. He told me it was an accident and that he had to cover up her death...I had to go along with whatever story he told people. Of course, I did. I loved him, and besides, without him I had no supply of smack. So I did as he told me. Too scared to do otherwise. And whilst he had the drug over me he knew I would keep my trap shut.
But now things are different. I don't live in Kent any more, now I live in Birmingham. I'm clean, sober and I have a good job in a rehab centre for troubled teenagers. I have my own apartment and finally, a life of my own.
And then he found out where I was.
I've been afraid for so long that he wouldn't just let me go. That I know too much about everything - his dealing, Marsha's death...everything. Not to mention the number of times he's bruised me all over and choked my breath to stop me talking. He's evil and I ain't going to mess with him.
Oooh, but what if he wants to mess with me?
Well, he'd better not. I'm not that Sadie Monahue now. I'm going to be different. I'm going to be strong and not be scared of him. After all I've worked hard to get this life. I'm not going to screw it up now.
But what if he comes?
And what if he goes after Alyssa or my nieces?
How could I ever live with myself?
Hell, what am I going to do?

Sadie's Diary: August 27th, 2013
Chapter One: Jewel
Sadie's Diary: August 28th, 2013
Chapter Two: Topaz's Bombshell
Chapter Three: News
Sadie's Diary: August 30th, 2013
Chapter Four: Award Night
Chapter Five: A Refuge
Chapter Six: An Old Foe
Chapter Seven: Jetta's Advice
Sadie's Diary: September 1st, 2013
Chapter Eight: Sadie Acts
Chapter Nine: Dilemma at the Music Company
Sadie's Diary: September 3rd, 2013
Chapter Ten: A Change Of Plan
Chapter Eleven: A Journey
Sadie's Diary: September 4th, 2013
Chapter Twelve: Girl's Night

Copper, Nancy, Sylva, Anna, Blade, Raesha, Sirena, Topaz, Aaron, Sophie, Justin, Elliot, Rosita, Luis and any other characters in this fiction which do not appear in the animated Jem series are copyrighted to me (E.A Woolley) as of January 2002 <unless otherwise specified> and are not to be reproduced without permission ANYWHERE. Jetta, Pizzazz, Stormer, Roxy, Raya and all other original Jem characters are the copyright of Hasbro Inc, Sunbow, Christy Marx and the other writers of the Jem series. The future world of Pizzazz, Raya, Jetta, Roxy, Stormer, Clash, Synergy, the fate of Jem and her memorial are all copyrighted to me. The future world of Kimber and Shana is copyrighted jointly to myself and Gemma Dawn.
The concept of 'Jewel' is entirely my own, and any apparent link with any fictional or actual person or persons of this name is entirely coincidental. Equally the characters in this fiction are not based on any real life individual.
The concept behind the future world of Danse, Aja and Craig, the idea behind Jerrica's futureworld and the split of the Holograms is copyrighted to Gemma Dawn, whose Teenangel Outsiders fiction is directly twinned with Just a Dream. The character Sammi and any of the other Teenangel Outsider characters mentioned in this fiction are entirely copyright to Gemma Dawn and appear here only with her permission.
Pay her page a visit!